I’m back from hiding so to speak. It’s been a helluva ride so far for me this year. Needless to say, I’ve got myself together & am excited to get back into my groove again.
My experience with illness & mild to moderate depression got the worst of me this quarter & I’m kicking my ego out of my life so I can get on to new opportunities that are here just waiting for me to take advantage of… If stay in this slump, I know I’ll lose out on what could be the best thing that could happen for me & my family.
The slump: It all began the last two days of 2016 when I received a serious bout of food poisoning. I picked up some angus beef from my local store & made hamburgers. Let’s just say I like mines a little on the still breathing side. Uh, not anymore. I was down for 3 days. Doctor with antibiotic & stool sample kind of down. It was no fun, especially since my brother from Montana was coming in to visit for a few days. Of course, I recovered & I was back to eating all that I love to eat which was necessary in order to show my bro all the great eateries around us. It was a delicious & ultra filling few days.
So I put on a few pounds over the holidays. OK, honestly I gained 20 lbs. Whhaattt? I gave into my autoimmune protocol & went to town, (thanks to my pal, my ego).
I’ve always lived with the screw it mentality. Growing up I adapted this way of thinking. I believe it’s because I always wanted to be the one with the most attention. This stems from having older brothers that I wanted to be around but never really got to cause I wasn’t one of them. I needed to get their attention in order to earn the right to hang with them. This continued on through high school, always wanted to be the cool kid. (If I could only go back, the things I would do differently), hindsight is 20/20. This behavior of mine has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my 20’s & 30’s & I find it really challenging to shake it, especially when it comes to food. The rush of satisfaction when indulging in something glutinous is like a 3 second high. (It could also very well be my sugar addiction). When I say “screw it” when something is present that I know will impact my body negatively, over & over, it takes its toll.
Since the first of the year, I’ve been very undisciplined about what goes into my mouth & it has caught up to me not only physically but mentally as well. Now I finally get it. When eating things that cause my body to react in a negative way may not be really worth those few seconds of bliss after all.
I’ve let myself go physically & it has caused negative self-awareness. That damn voice inside my head, a.k.a. my ego continues to say, “how did you let yourself get this way?” & “you’ll never reach your goals, you’re a quitter.” & “how will you break through this wall that is so tall & preventing you from your goals & dreams?”
I’ve had it. I’ve dealt with a few deaths this year already & you would think that would be motivating enough to get my butt busy with living an engaged life with intent & purpose. Instead, I’ve been stuck in this rut, woe is me. This is the same rut I got into when I was drinking too much. Instead of getting help & talking out my problems, I found myself saying, “f+-# it” kept drowning my issues in more alcohol.”
Now is the time to get it together & keep it together not just for me but for my incredible, loving & supportive family. I’ll be damned if I make it to my nineties & regret not making the changes I need to make to live a vibrant & fulfilling life that I know I can have.
I’m using this post as a testimony to myself & to the universe, that I will no longer live with this ego that I have the past 30 years. I know it will be the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done in my life but it has to happen, it’s not about just me anymore. This is about my family too. I’m so very grateful that I have this wonderful support system so it’s something they deserve to have more than me. This is a sacrifice I’m willing to take to make the first step towards the right direction to live to my fullest potential.
I’ll continue to share my journey as to how I make these changes in hopes to inspire someone else that may be in my shoes, looking for a way out too.
Thanks so much for reading.